the 5 w's. part 1: where

where have i been the last year? it would be easy if i only had to explain this to no one reading here, in regards to my lofty goals to post consistently and gain actual followers. but that is not the case. i assume (ok, i KNOW!) there are some friends and family who also wonder this and wouldn't mind an answer. and there are bill collectors as well. (its a sign of the times, right?.....). the thing is....a year is a long time. a year ago was a long time ago.

recap. just about a year ago i turned 32. to some this may be a no big deal number, but to me, this was a key year in "my plan" (queue dun dun dun dun...). you know what they say about making plans. well they say all sorts of things but mostly to summarize - i wouldn't bother.

to say the least - i was far from my intended goals of said plan. in order to have achieved my "marks" i would have had to be married, living in a house we owned, engaged in a successful career and ready for baby number 1 if not already pregnant or even having had a kid. (i was flexible in this all happening between 30 and 32. very flexible, right?!). let's just say i wasn't able to check one off the list. not even close.

i had been "on track" until about 29. somewhere in that year it all fell apart. or. i destroyed it? ...but anyways. from 30-32 i struggled to regain/maintain my momentum, my place in this world, my sense of anything making sense. in doing so i did a lot of things that didn't make sense. to me or anyone else. contradiction and hypocrite come to mind. among some other colorful words. i pretty much became my own worst enemy, arguing my own every moves and ignoring my inner voices. yes, those are plural.

as 32 approached, in true last minute procrastination style, i realized i really had to come up with another plan. or at least another short term plan because i had no idea what i wanted to do or where i would go next, seeing as though i had some how ended up so far from my intentions.

my silence began here. for as long as i could remember, i had answers. answers to questions like "how are you" and "what are you up to these days?". not only could i not answer those simple questions, i could;t answer "how's work", "how's the family" type questions, much less could i honestly answer opinionated questions on important and everyday issues. as certain as i was of everything i had planned and known for 32 years, i was as uncertain of all of it right then and there. i even had good reason to believe that the sky wasn't blue and the grass wasn't green. have you been to LA?

so to my non existing blog readers - that is where i was. not LA. but muted. how could i write, speak my mind,  if i didn't even believe what i was saying was the truth. i realize there may have been some value in freeing my mind in random rambles....and i did so. just not in such a public forum. not until i could (proudly, and with certainty) stand by what i said "on the record".

to be continued....

home.....

"home is where the heart is".....but what what makes your heart? what makes your home?....


things that have meant home for me:

• my family. especially my mom <3
• my friends and friends who have become family
• the (smell of the) beach
• THE 405 :)
• my kitty
• my childhood pound puppy
• my bed
• being in that certain someone's arms.
• behind closed doors
• the actual house i grew up in

some of these things remain. some do not. some of these are the same. some are not. all of these things still seem like home, but, they are no longer all in one place, or, all possible...


i don't know where my heart is, where my home is....


i do know where my memories are all. all in one place. it is very strange to be there and not feel home.


"home" 
foo fighters

Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today

All I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain

All I want is to be home

Echoes and silence
Patience and grace
All of these moments
I'll never replace
No fear of my heart
Absence of faith

All I want is to be home
Ooh
All I want is to be home

People I've loved
I have no regrets
Some I remember
Some I forget
Some of them living
Some of them dead

All I want is to be home 

HB (11.28.2009)

what, who, where is your home?....

word!

don't quote me friend.....

i went looking for a quote about friendship the other day to post on my friend's wall. i have a handful of GIRL friends, females that is, that i am really close with and trust. i have somewhat adopted a nickname for each of them - one being my anchor, one my peace, one my solace.... i was looking for something for the peace one, who, at the time, needed some peace herself. 

i didn't find anything fitting, but i did find a lot of quotes touching on some things i have really been thinking about lately. that being the impact of your friends (or family), and their style of friendship...comparing, noting, questioning, examining.... i over think.... A LOT. 

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” unknown

i have a lot of walls up. most of my closest relationships (friends, family, lovers...) have been people with a lot of walls up. i have always been, with those i love the most, happy to take a sledge hammer to your freaking walls. even as they continue to pile them up, or request that i stop. i just love demolition! well, and more so, re-construction.... admittedly, many, if not everyone at times, can't stand this about me. but, more times than not, i find people coming to me asking me to hammer at them. because i will. (or is this just my ego? speak up friends!!) there are different tools for different people. sometimes i may only be willing to use an ice pick. but if you're in it for life i'll come at you with a bull dozer.

i am not sure that i have any friends, or family, that are like me, like that. i have some ice picks, some maybe even some sledge hammers, and, some bricks have fallen. but i don't think i have any bull dozers. 

is that my own doing? one thing most people in my life seem to agree on about me is that i am strong and can get through anything. which i agree. i am. and i will. but a lot of that strength comes from the walls of brick surrounding me. and a really solid floor below me for the first 25 years of my life.     

sometimes i think it would be nice for someone to knock all the walls down with a bull dozer, then buy me all new material and rebuild. have i taken this metaphor too far?.... but instead, picture, a really poor area, with no bull dozers.or machinery of any kind. just a lot of brick walls and some (REALLY GREAT!) ice picks and sledge hammers.

on the same note: "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." Arnold H. Glasow

“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde. i really like this..... i have been hurt by plenty of people before. but when there is hurt without lies or deceit, the pain is so much more capable of being repaired. easily. i also think i say a lot of things to my loved ones that sting. stab straight to the heart. sometimes on purpose. but i think sometimes people need that. and its better to say it straight to them than behind their back....i have said some really hurtful things to some of my friends, but honestly, i haven't lost one from it. 

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." Buddha

there are people in your life that you know what to expect from. they can't quite hurt you like the ones you trust and are betrayed by. lies are so damaging in a friendship, in any relationship. sure there are white lies and is my butt too big lies, but, those are sincere lies. i think this may be in part why i have always preferred? (had so many?....) male friends versus female. men are wild beasts! women, too often, insincere bitches ;) but.....wild beasts or evil more than a friend....those both can wound your heart..... 

stereotypes exist for a reason....: "Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces." Anne Morrow Lindberg

“The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other” Ashleigh Brilliant 

isn't funny how differently a lover's anything (circumstance, feelings, position, attitude, bad habit....) can affect you ten fold of any friend, no matter how much love there is? whatever happens in between friendship and love, the risk, the gift, is so much greater. something happens when that line is crossed. but, its almost unfortunate. how much better lovers we might be able to be if we could stay as unaffected by our lovers as we are our friends. question: is this the female in me? the over sensitive pisces in me? or is this, generally true. a female did say it....

as i pondered it all...i did come to a conclusion i felt settled with. and then i found a quote (without trying....) that really summed that up for me...

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” Tennessee Williams

but not because it is our companions/family's responsibility to break down our walls, and i am not saying i should look specifically more for bull dozers. but i do believe the company you chose to keep plays a huge role on the type of person you want to be, aspire to be, are challenged to be. so in that lies your (oneself) responsibility to chose your own best company, in addition to being, your own best self.....

and on that note....:“There are three types of friends: those like food, without which you can't live; those like medicine, which you need occasionally; and those like an illness, which you never want.” unknown

:)

word foto! k+k

i've never been good at climbing trees....

but i can sure hug the heck out of one!


"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." ... Albert Einstein


i read this recently and it really struck me.... lately i have been really analyzing/contemplating  what makes someone "smart", or, "capable". what really defines smart? i've never been a believer that an education alone can make one smart. i wonder how much of one's abilities are limited or expanded (affected) merely by their own (or others) expectations of them.  


i grew up hearing  often that i was "bored" or not challenged in school and that was why i was so easily distracted or unfocused. other people made this excuse/justification for me long before i could. i was always "capable" of getting good grades, and, sometimes i did. but plenty of times i didn't. according to my parents that is because i did not apply myself. other people made this excuse/justification for me long before i could. its something that has carried into my life in almost every aspect. if i am not interested in something, i easily lose focus on it. and if something catches my attention, i can DIVE into it....but i often get bored soon enough and want a new challenge. i believe this is probably true for a lot of people, but, a lot of people still continue to "routinely" live their days and not seek additional challenges. isn't this the grown up mature thing to do? 


i have never been shy about saying i just wanna be a toys r us kid. or to bang on me drum all day! but i know this isn't realistic.....


there may be a few tree climbers looking down on me just simply hugging that tree and not climbing it, but i believe that somewhere, somehow, there is a way to live/have a career that will provide me a variety of challenges and change that will feel like i am playing. because that to me is truly genius.  

i WILL blog today. i WILL blog today....

why am i so unmotivated to blog?!....  to write at all. to communicate at all might be fair even! i wish there was a way to export my thoughts directly into my blog versus having to sit down at the computer. i think a lot, and think of things i want to blog about, but always when i am out for a walk or in the shower...

i have been a "loner" as of late, which is really pretty unusual for me. its been a very interesting 6 months...

let's go back 7 months. i was living in orange county, where i have lived my entire life. i was working at my dream job where i had been just over 3 years, often working an insane amount of hours but i always felt it was for a purpose. i was living with a good friend in a 3 bedroom 2 bath townhouse. i was making decent money, although not for oc standards i guess. i had a lifelong group of friends that i saw on a regular basis. but - i wasn't happy.... i was lacking inspiration, excitement, love, simplicity...and i am not even sure what else.

6 months ago i was laid off. it felt like being run over by a truck at first. a part of me was relieved. i was burnt out. i was tired. i wanted to leave orange county....but i didn't want to be "unemployed"...

or did i?  because 6 months later, i still don't want to be "employed"....

don't get me wrong. i would like a steady paycheck that was a lot more than the unemployment one, but, that's a different story.

i spent the first month basically going "what the fuck do i do now?!?!" and determined that i would get out of my lease, out of orange county, and figure the rest out from there. after spending 6 weeks on various couches and in a guest room - i found a great little 1 bedroom near sacramento- mostly because i have family in just about every direction in under 2 hours, its "affordable", and there are a lot of trees  here. a LOT. i have been here just about 7 weeks now and i like it. that is all i can really say about it. its nice. i LOVE the trees 9but not the allergies!). i like that it has a nice balance of a small town and a "big" city. but would i want to spend my life (or even another year) here? i don't know...

and that brings me to one of my long walk discussions in my head. what do i want?

that should be so simple. and i have always been fairly certain of the answers. but lately, i find myself questioning all of those answers. (mid- life crisis at 32? oh shit?!). i am very certain of what i was raised to want. i was always very clear on the life my parents desired for me. and all that entailed. and i have always wanted to make them proud, albeit stubborn to do so in "my own way".

but i am not certain that my expected outcome, as i always believed it to be, IS what i want. not to say it's not. i just don't know. and i am not sure how you know want something until you try it....but somethings you can't really try out and decide you don't want. like being a parent for one big example. and financially, i don't see it being all THAT easy to continually move to new towns to experience if you like life there. especially if you want to settle down and marry someone. again, another if. or a job. i get bored at "jobs" easily, but if you don't do one long enough you may (MAY) never really excel at it. and be successful. if that is important. is it? and again, what is success?

living in orange county i found myself often struggling to balance a personal life full of friends and activities, and being able to afford that life. i often considered the greater "quality of life" in areas where the cost of living is more affordable. versus the "quality of life" living in orange county. keeping in mind, having been there my entire life and many of my friends and family remaining there - there is a lot of quality on that fact alone. i am constantly amazed at how my friends have managed to get married and buy house and have babies and i still struggle to make certain ends meet. well. i am horrible with my money, and saving, i won't deny. but still. that all seems SO far away...even with two incomes. i know....

i am predicting the coming months will force a lot of further thought on this topic, and my goal will be to continue to share with my non-existsent world of blog readers, in hopes that one day someone will stumble across my random rambles and find some comfort in relating, or find some words of wisdom to share, or just be inspired to blog themselves, or hell. leave a comment and help  to re-inpsire me to return to blogging regularly because i DO KNOW that i want to do that. :)

in addition, a few things i also KNOW i WANT.... (note, a lot of thought recently on want vs need as well...)

1. i want a partner in life. (to clarify, a man, i am straight, and i love my girlfriends, but when i say partner, i only mean not to specify husband. legal marriage. but maybe i should say lover, because i also don't mean a male friend, with or without benefits. unless that friend with benefits is said partner that i am in love with. wow. long clarification. typical!). but point being, i want to share my life, my experiences, my heart and soul, with someone.

2. i want to enjoy an active life. i don't necessarily mean "active" as in running or jumping, but those things are cool too! i want to be active in my friends and families lives, active in the way of a career, travel, experience, etc.

3. i want to be my own boss. i am pretty sure being able to support myself, as my own boss, would be my definition of success. where, how, doing what, with who.... that is to be determined. sort of.

4. i want a home filled with love. where who how etc to be determined.

5. i want to be healthier. its something i have never taken much interest in. it is something i have said i want but don't really actively pursue, which then creates the questions of, do i really want this? saying and doing are not the same things. wanting and doing are not the same things. but, logically, i know, in order for the above 4 things to happen, i have to want this.... and i want to want this. so how do i actually do this?!? (please note - this is not where i seek diet or exercise advice. the issue is more a matter of getting the horse to just drink the water. its staring at the trough).

and that's about it. big picture down. next 5 mins? next week? next year? hah! not a clue!

but for now, i guess the next 5 seconds, i will simply pat myself on the back for finally blogging, and push publish, and be happy with just that!

when parents text...

if you haven't checked out when parents text - you must. i honestly think its better than damnyouautocorrect!

get it before its gone

the other day i was out running errands and remembered passing a graffiti wall i wanted to get some pictures of. i parked and got out of my car excited to really check out the detail close up, only to find it had been painted over by ugly brown paint. whhhhhhhy?!

 in the last few weeks i have taken several pictures of things that are now gone. i didn't know they would be gone, but they are. enough things that i even questioned if my taking pictures and posting about these things some how caused attention to make them go away. but i know that was a really ridiculous thought.

xmas lights up in feb. taken down days after i took and posted

your downtown. sign gone.

grass cut. next day. 

no dog or bowl, the very next day! 

little letter love

in my free time - when i should be job hunting or blogging or otherwise moderately productive.... i am out walking, taking pictures, and obsessively editing and cropping. at least the walking is good.

lowercase letters. loves!

made by k

sticK it to me

only one....

ack! oh my!

a whole month has gone by?

i haven't had internet, although, i am researching different apps i can blog from my phone. really just to keep my goals to myself, not because i think my 4 followers are grieving.....but then again i won't likely ever have more than 4 if i don;t have internet connection and posts. those 2 things are kind of crucial for blogging. i think.....

however, the lack of internet, and therefor connection to the world (i also do not have tv, which i kind of like surprisingly), along with a 2 month couch tour before a major downsize in living space, has really been a learning experience for me. i "need" a lot less than i used to think. not that i don't still want certain things! but i really do miss browsing my blogs - so much has happened in the past month for me to catch up on!

speaking of - i signed up for bloglovin (?) and we will see how i like it. but in the meantime, check it out if you  haven't and want! in short, its like facebook for blogs. i think. but an easier (tbd....) way to track what you wanna read of other blogs :)

Follow my blog with bloglovin

and a few random pictures from my month of silence while i toured my new town!

simplicity

waiting....

bloom

splat!

bucket list! amazing fresh pesto penne with poppyseed and carmelized onion glazed salmon. yum.

old town delights.

life is art. or. art is life. 

love bridges. love camera apps.

i bow down to this mac n cheese

and this "chocolate bombe"

my downtown? or yours?

love

luck

<3 smiles

beauty in the little things

did i mention my love of bridges?!

what they said....

given to one of my best friends. and she is, it's true.

at the steps to one of the many places i stayed on my "couch tour" . 

found in a little town. i have other words for it... and i am called a bitch! ;)

given by a friend. not the same as above. i really have amazing friends. fact.

ya, i wood. so would eddie.

an amazing friend took this for me. i want this. car and license plate.  or "IAMGREY"  (disclaimer: this has NOTHING to do with grey's anatomy. which i love. but not like that....)

i totally disagree with this actually, but most my friends would say this is amazing! ;)

run lola run....

"you can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you."...rwandan proverb

i have always loved running long distances. having a set goal, the end of that road, or this many laps or miles; challenging myself to a greater distance. loved the steady pace, the steady breathing, the pushing through the pain.  the ability to speed up to sweat out the anger or slow down and enjoy a moment. but there was always a beginning. an end. a goal i was certain of and could accomplish. and i ran to it.


life is a little more open ended then that. in case you hadn't noticed. how do you really know if you're running to something or away from something? is either right or wrong? and what is it that drives that run motivation? 


and maybe? maybe i could learn a lesson from my ortho surgeon who says not to run, just walk.....

sleep to dream...

"if you stop dreaming you are just asleep"....unknown

i loved this when i read it. then i sat and really thought about it. 

i have had some REALLY bad nightmares. and some REALLY good dreams. i'd always rather have a nightmare, because it's temporary. waking up to reality is usually better. not so much with a good dream...

sleep to dream

and sleep is such a peaceful, and necessary, state.....


and some people, are just dreamers. in the clouds....


where is the balance between dreaming and pursuing those dreams, and living in the now and the reality? how do you know what dreams are worth pursuing, risking, putting energy into? what if you pursue a dream for 15 years and nothing happens, are you wrong to give up? wrong to have pursued so long in the first place, or right for believing in your dream despite challenges or lack of success. i mean, i am guessing here that "man" had a dream to get to space for more than 15 years before it actually happened, right? 

dream within a dream

have you ever had the same dream twice? and in the dream realized you were dreaming? i think i have (had) that awake as well....

¹dream

 noun, often attributive \ˈdrēm\

Definition of DREAM

1

: a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep — compare rem sleep

2

: an experience of waking life having the characteristics of a dream: asa : a visionary creation of the imagination : daydreamb : a state of mind marked by abstraction or release from reality : reveriec : an object seen in a dreamlike state : vision

3

: something notable for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality car is a dream to operate>

4

a : a strongly desired goal or purpose dream of becoming president>b : something that fully satisfies a wish : ideal dream>

fear is...

‎"Fearlessness is the total presence of fear, with the courage to face it."  OshO

i googled fearless and got taylor swift and colbie calliat song lyrics...one about the fearless high when falling in love. one about being fearless in moving on after the fallout of love. its always about love isn't it?.... 


definition is as "simple" as: free from fear . if only THAT were simple. if only simple were simple.....


my cousin recently posted this and i loved it: 

"But come here fear, 

I am alive. 

And you are so afraid of dying." 

i am not afraid of love. at all. i love love. i might be more afraid of loving....but then when i do i am usually pretty fearless with it. friend. lover. job. song. color. i just LOVE it.  maybe too much? 


free from fear... might be like free to feel. feel whatever it is. for quite possibly only the second time ever in my life i feel free to feel whatever i want to feel...and free of fear for what i may feel.


now to simply figure out what THAT is.  

ten for ten

(ps: so i didn't hit publish til the 11th. but it was written on the 10th...). whatever!


...maybe a new tradition. a list of ten things on the tenth's of the month. just because i like lists.

it's been a laughable week. not so much in the good way laughable, but more in the wow, really? that happened? and you have to kind of just laugh about it.

but then again there have been things that really made me laugh.

1.     WTF? bread people?....

2.i hate to be mean, this kid is ADORABLE. but every time i look at this bee i just bust up laughing!

 

3. driving  in a neon with my roomie listening to tapes. maybe you had to be there. or maybe you're laughing at us with us.  we danced to trance to stay warm. we're totally grown up and mature!

4. this wall art from the wynn las vegas. see what you will!

my roomie saw "cheshire cat vagina"

5. a husk of corn shaped "treat?" of kettle corn found off the 15 on the home from vegas road trip. purchased strictly for prime photo ops. i think roomie might kill me if i post the images here, but, the laughs were pretty good.

6. this amazingly random singing head that comes out of the water at the wynn. it may help to have a few drinks first. there was also a giant singing frog and glowing swimming balls that make a baby right in front of you. a baby ball. i swear i wasn't that drunk. this all really happened....

7. CONAN. so glad to have him back.

8. this person's (i don't know you, so im sorry.....) costume

this should so be "conan"ized.....

9. my friends. some of them were acknowledge above, but many more made me laugh and that's why i love em!

10.  the idea (and possible plan...) to dress up and go drunken caroling for the holidays. no religious restrictions. but there was a lot of talk of wearing muffs. and for some reason that resulted in a lot of laughs.

words. with friends!

while angry birds has kept up a bit of a competition...nothing beats words with friends! 


i think i should start hosting a re-occuring (non-commital) game night. with scrabble and boggle and scattergories and...and....well ya. word games.