the 5 w's. part 1: where

where have i been the last year? it would be easy if i only had to explain this to no one reading here, in regards to my lofty goals to post consistently and gain actual followers. but that is not the case. i assume (ok, i KNOW!) there are some friends and family who also wonder this and wouldn't mind an answer. and there are bill collectors as well. (its a sign of the times, right?.....). the thing is....a year is a long time. a year ago was a long time ago.

recap. just about a year ago i turned 32. to some this may be a no big deal number, but to me, this was a key year in "my plan" (queue dun dun dun dun...). you know what they say about making plans. well they say all sorts of things but mostly to summarize - i wouldn't bother.

to say the least - i was far from my intended goals of said plan. in order to have achieved my "marks" i would have had to be married, living in a house we owned, engaged in a successful career and ready for baby number 1 if not already pregnant or even having had a kid. (i was flexible in this all happening between 30 and 32. very flexible, right?!). let's just say i wasn't able to check one off the list. not even close.

i had been "on track" until about 29. somewhere in that year it all fell apart. or. i destroyed it? ...but anyways. from 30-32 i struggled to regain/maintain my momentum, my place in this world, my sense of anything making sense. in doing so i did a lot of things that didn't make sense. to me or anyone else. contradiction and hypocrite come to mind. among some other colorful words. i pretty much became my own worst enemy, arguing my own every moves and ignoring my inner voices. yes, those are plural.

as 32 approached, in true last minute procrastination style, i realized i really had to come up with another plan. or at least another short term plan because i had no idea what i wanted to do or where i would go next, seeing as though i had some how ended up so far from my intentions.

my silence began here. for as long as i could remember, i had answers. answers to questions like "how are you" and "what are you up to these days?". not only could i not answer those simple questions, i could;t answer "how's work", "how's the family" type questions, much less could i honestly answer opinionated questions on important and everyday issues. as certain as i was of everything i had planned and known for 32 years, i was as uncertain of all of it right then and there. i even had good reason to believe that the sky wasn't blue and the grass wasn't green. have you been to LA?

so to my non existing blog readers - that is where i was. not LA. but muted. how could i write, speak my mind,  if i didn't even believe what i was saying was the truth. i realize there may have been some value in freeing my mind in random rambles....and i did so. just not in such a public forum. not until i could (proudly, and with certainty) stand by what i said "on the record".

to be continued....

home.....

"home is where the heart is".....but what what makes your heart? what makes your home?....


things that have meant home for me:

• my family. especially my mom <3
• my friends and friends who have become family
• the (smell of the) beach
• THE 405 :)
• my kitty
• my childhood pound puppy
• my bed
• being in that certain someone's arms.
• behind closed doors
• the actual house i grew up in

some of these things remain. some do not. some of these are the same. some are not. all of these things still seem like home, but, they are no longer all in one place, or, all possible...


i don't know where my heart is, where my home is....


i do know where my memories are all. all in one place. it is very strange to be there and not feel home.


"home" 
foo fighters

Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today

All I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain

All I want is to be home

Echoes and silence
Patience and grace
All of these moments
I'll never replace
No fear of my heart
Absence of faith

All I want is to be home
Ooh
All I want is to be home

People I've loved
I have no regrets
Some I remember
Some I forget
Some of them living
Some of them dead

All I want is to be home 

HB (11.28.2009)

what, who, where is your home?....

WORD!

1. i have internet again!! which now means i am liable for posting on a nearly daily basis again.... (and even better i can stalk my favorite blogs and catch up what's been going on!)

2. for amazing friends who remember when you say you want something and get it for you for your birthday months later! so so so excited to fill this in.  

 and really, it was meant to be. this is the cover page. brilliant.

lists!!!

lists! did i mention lists? in my love of things made of words?... because i love lists! making them, checking things off, looking back at laughing at the lack of things crossed off....and  color coding, prioritizing, compiling and the like are also great!

to be honest, i have already started a list of lists i can blog. ya.

i started off trying to write a list of words that described me....i didn't really like a lot of the words, not gonna lie. its not that i think i am a horrible person. i just think its easier to point out your flaws than compliment yourself...

so i made a list of things "i am"....  or i at least i think/hope i am. i had intended the list to have a maximum number of things.... then i realized just how self limiting that is. reminded me of this i was sent today:

"stop acting so small. you are the universe in ecstatic motion" Rumi.

the list HAS to be a constant changing/growing list, although i am some things will always remain the same...

• a daughter.
• a sister.
• a friend.
• a lover of words. maybe a writer. 
• a lover. 
• a fighter.
• the "therapist". an over-analyzer. 
• social butterfly. or maybe chatty. 
• a pisces.
• a dreamer. 

after a little more thought, i came up  with a list of words i think, or maybe hope, might be used to describe me....

• funny
• caring
• honest
• sweet (this is kinda a funny one. but it CAN happen...)
• smart (not necessarily book)
• serious 
• passionate
• a thinker
• defensive (oh, this is definitely a think, not a hope.... more a hope to change)
• sarcastic

and now, off to go make more lists. damn mondays. 

reading list....

i am randomly in the middle of four books right now. you might see a theme....  

people who know me know this suits me well

and this....

this should be considered a text book

i am trying to determine if i should check into a mental ward ;)