where have i been the last year? it would be easy if i only had to explain this to no one reading here, in regards to my lofty goals to post consistently and gain actual followers. but that is not the case. i assume (ok, i KNOW!) there are some friends and family who also wonder this and wouldn't mind an answer. and there are bill collectors as well. (its a sign of the times, right?.....). the thing is....a year is a long time. a year ago was a long time ago.
recap. just about a year ago i turned 32. to some this may be a no big deal number, but to me, this was a key year in "my plan" (queue dun dun dun dun...). you know what they say about making plans. well they say all sorts of things but mostly to summarize - i wouldn't bother.
to say the least - i was far from my intended goals of said plan. in order to have achieved my "marks" i would have had to be married, living in a house we owned, engaged in a successful career and ready for baby number 1 if not already pregnant or even having had a kid. (i was flexible in this all happening between 30 and 32. very flexible, right?!). let's just say i wasn't able to check one off the list. not even close.
i had been "on track" until about 29. somewhere in that year it all fell apart. or. i destroyed it? ...but anyways. from 30-32 i struggled to regain/maintain my momentum, my place in this world, my sense of anything making sense. in doing so i did a lot of things that didn't make sense. to me or anyone else. contradiction and hypocrite come to mind. among some other colorful words. i pretty much became my own worst enemy, arguing my own every moves and ignoring my inner voices. yes, those are plural.
as 32 approached, in true last minute procrastination style, i realized i really had to come up with another plan. or at least another short term plan because i had no idea what i wanted to do or where i would go next, seeing as though i had some how ended up so far from my intentions.
my silence began here. for as long as i could remember, i had answers. answers to questions like "how are you" and "what are you up to these days?". not only could i not answer those simple questions, i could;t answer "how's work", "how's the family" type questions, much less could i honestly answer opinionated questions on important and everyday issues. as certain as i was of everything i had planned and known for 32 years, i was as uncertain of all of it right then and there. i even had good reason to believe that the sky wasn't blue and the grass wasn't green. have you been to LA?
so to my non existing blog readers - that is where i was. not LA. but muted. how could i write, speak my mind, if i didn't even believe what i was saying was the truth. i realize there may have been some value in freeing my mind in random rambles....and i did so. just not in such a public forum. not until i could (proudly, and with certainty) stand by what i said "on the record".
to be continued....
